rediscovering eden
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
whom shall i fear
whom shall i fear
i am yours
dailies
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
-4:38:00 p.m.
^^ i'm feeling better 2dae! *haha* told u i'll snap outta it! ok but tt's coz i get a super long weekend *haha* we haf teacher's convention 2moro n d day after!!! so it's a 4 day weekend *WOOHOOOOO!!!* eniwae, juz wanna type this out 4 u guyz 2 read...it helped mi alot yesterday...i dunno, it's realli long but try 2 read thru it kz? ^^ *haha* ok lar, i haf a feeling it's actualli more 4 myself!! *haha* juz so tt next time i can read back on my posts n remember this...or even wen i'm having "relapses" n stuff, i can remind myself *heez* but it's taken frm a realli good book too so...^^ CHEERS!
Avoidance-of-Responsibility
...One of the men lying there had been sick for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him and knew how long he had been ill, He asked him, "Would you like to get well?" "I can't," the sick man said, "for i have no one to help me into the pool at the movement of the water..." Jesus told him, "Stand up, roll up your sleeping mat and go on home!" Instantly, the man was healed!
- John 5:5-9
Actualli we know very little about this poor man, n perhaps our use of him as an example is unfair. however, he seems 2 have been assignin his plight 2 the unwillingness of others 2 help him. he also seems 2 have lost hope. like many pple hu do not want 2 assume responsibility 4 their lives, he talks only about what others r not doin 4 him. apparently he has not given much thought 2 how he might help himself. he is so absorbed in the limitations of his condition tt he does not explore the creative possiblities of the situation.
and so Jesus asks the man a question tt moves him 2 probe his own inner attitudes: "Would u realli like 2 get well?" Some pple, as we know, make a vocation of being sick, either physically or emotionally. it is the easiest, if not the only way 4 them 2 relate 2 others: by being needy. sumtimes sickness provides an excuse 4 not trying......Illness is passive. Involvement is active. they choose passivity rather than activity in life.
there r many other rationalizations, besides the excuse of sickness, wich r used 2 justify the avoidance-of-responsibility life principle. sumtimes we let our fears or our self-inflicted judgments of inferiority shield us frm taking the risks n facing the challenges of a full life. we substitute "i can't" 4 "i won't even try".
when one sets out 2 look 4 avenues of escape, the possibilities r infinite. "This is the way i am!" some pple blame their life condition on their genes. others claim tt their level of education is responsible 4 their life's outcome. still others assign their fixed state 2 ethnic background or lack of connections. a large group of pple "blame it on the stars." this tendency 2 use astrology as a way out of personal responsibility is an old one: a tried n true rationalization.
"Men at some time are masters of their fate. The fault, Dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves..." Julius Caesar (1, ii, 134)
...so u n i must look into ourselves at the deepest level, the point at which few pple, if any, r ever permitted 2 know us. what do we REALLY want frm life? what do we REALLY think would make us happy? u n i r now practicing a life principle, which may not b obvious frm a surface view. someday it will amount 2 a life wager. in the end everyone gambles his or her life on sth, or someone, as the way 2 happiness...
- taken frm Unconditional Love by John Powell, S.J. |
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
-4:29:00 p.m.
i dun care even if it gets on ur nerves anymore (if there's anyone reading this even), juz let mi whine n piss myself sick ok? n
hopefully i'll snap outta it soon after
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-4:26:00 p.m.
no actualli i tink i'm goin mad...
y am i always lyk this????? mayb i'm going thru the Great Depression of my life...
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
i hate myself.
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Monday, February 23, 2004
-8:45:00 p.m.
i'm so sick of my last template *haha* but i realli lyk this one...so i'll probably keep it 4 quite a while ^^
did i mention tt i aced my math diploma? *grinz* i'm so happy!!!! *haha*
ok...i've got nothing more 2 post...
i tink i've changed
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Thursday, February 19, 2004
-12:47:00 p.m.
i'm being dumb. i was writing my in-class english essay on tues n i fell asleep...n obviously i wasn't able 2 finish it!!! so i told mrs oudeva i would go back yesterday during lunch 2 finish it...but she wasn't in the classrm...so i went off tinking i could always do it 2dae during lunch...esp since i haf more than an hr 4 lunch 2day! but guess wut? i'm the the library now typing this...
SHOOT ME!!!!!!!
*heez* i'm gonna fail my essay...but not lyk i had a lota points 2 write either...coz i was juz bullsh*ting all the way thru it :P gee, tt had better not pull down my alreadi-super-low average! *haha* (man i sound lyk a nerd!)
anyway! did i mention i got kicked outta my seat in math? so pissing...coz this new guy (well...he's not realli "new", he juz got transferred in2 the course a lil late tt's all) sat in this seat sumwhere further up in the row so everyone shifted down, den so happens i was the latest 2 get 2 class frm tt row so now i got kicked out...n i hope i misunderstood this but i tink i heard tt gurl sitting behind mi mocking mi going lyk "orhhhhhh..." wen she saw i had no place 2 sit...ok! i dun tink she's so mean lar...rite? aniwae, i'm seatless now so i'm jumping all over the place...i hope the one i'm sitting now doesn't haf anione sitting there *cross fingers*
i get upset by such lil tings...ok so i've always been sucha sensitive freak but still...i realli resent myself 4 going home daily feeling all gloomy, it's not rite!!! i muz kan kai yi dian...
breathe in breathe out...LIFE. IS GOOD...
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Saturday, February 14, 2004
-5:55:00 p.m.
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Friday, February 13, 2004
-12:42:00 p.m.
i haf no idea wut am i doing in the library again during lunch, it's so aimless, going online i mean...coz there's absolutely nothing 2 do (y do u tink i'm blogging? *haha*)...but i tink i'm juz try9 2 look busy, so tt i won't look lyk sum nerdy person sittin by my locker alone daily reading a book...not tt i can get much of it in my head anyways coz i get so distracted wenever pple walk past...
the chiobu twins r nearby so i get 2 spy on them ^^ (SO PRETTTTY!!!!)...amazingly, there's tons of "cool" pple in the library try9 2 study *haha* mayb i shld juz go 2 the library everyday instead of sittin by my locker try9 not 2 look lyk a loser...but then again, it reminds mi too much of my scona days...not exactly happy memories if u ask mi! yeah well, n i never haf work 2 do...coz sumhow i juz dun get any! i dunno y everyone's lyk, grade 12's so busy n everything, u get piles of hw daily n tons of exams while i'm lyk crappin ard @ home everyday! i'm serious! i'm the most relaxed person on earth rite now, everything's so breezy (well...except 4 gettin frenz tt is...), i'm gettin a holiday next monday...i feel lyk i've retired *haha* geez! but i juz need sth 2 make mi busy, i mean, w/ all these spare time??? i could do sth realli realli cool instead of slobbing ard *haha*
so. i've decided, 4 the hundredth time, tt i'm gonna learn driving...*haha* realli, i juz go home everyday so wu shuo shi shi, i feel lyk a slob...i need 2 do sth productive!!! so it's either find work or learn driving...n driving it's gonna b ^^ i'm gonna start study9 tt handbook shit again n try 2 get my learner's as soon as possible...
ok i'm not gonna pretend animore...i desperately WANT frenz too...mayb i shld put up an ad on the skool newspaper or sth *haha* yeah rite! 4get it lar...i'm juz gonna clench my teeth n try 2 survive the rest of this yr...hey i mean, i did it 4 a whole year rite? but i guess i juz miss having frenz :( i'm juz so. pathetic.
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Thursday, February 12, 2004
-4:51:00 p.m.
sum pple r damn nice...i juz wish i haf more stuff 2 say 2 get 2 noe them better...i can b freaking boring sumtimes.
BUT. there r oso major bitches n jerks in this world...i wonder how on earth did they ever becum popular since "popular" is supposedly a term 4 pple hu everyone lyks...i tink time has twisted its meaning...so yeah, i guess they're cool...literally.
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Saturday, February 07, 2004
-7:07:00 p.m.
*yikes!* how can i 4get.........
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
CLARE!!!!!!!
i haf no idea y tt came out looking so screwed up...but anyways! u get the msg rite??? *heehee* sorry i've got no rag-on-a-drawing board 4 u this yr! *grinz* (dun u juz miss gettin my crappy presents? :P) yeah well...anyway, hope u had a nice day!!! i'm feeling damn bored now...*haha* even the computer has lost its appeal!!! (n tt's lyk, WOW! *haha*)
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-7:02:00 p.m.
*yay!* my new layout!!!!! but i tink it's actualli not tt nice....i'm getting sick of it alreadi! *haha!!* oh well...mayb i'll hafta change it again soon...*hee*
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Thursday, February 05, 2004
-4:44:00 p.m.
i finally took the music off my blog..*heehee* sorry 2 all those pple i've irritated!!!
was feeling a lil crappy 2dae...wich is kinda opposite 2 how happy i was yesterday esp wen i was cuming home! mayb coz the weather was so much nicer yesterday (*haha* yeah rite) but i was juz feelin all nice n positive bout tings, lyk there were birds chirping n the sky was so nice n blue w/ all the cute lil white fluffy clouds...but 2dae i walked all the way home starin @ my shoes n the brown snow on the ground :(
mayb it's coz our english group were fightin w/ another group over a question...lyk each group were supposed 2 choose 1 question 2 do n present, n there were only 6 questions while there was 7 groups...den so happens tt our group n this other group wanted the same question, so mrs ourdeva wanted one group 2 "disgroup" n join other groups while the other keeps the question...obviously we won, tt's y i'm feeling so lousy...*haha* i would've felt so much better if
we disgrouped instead...but yeah, we were kinda fightin w/ them coz they were quite persistent bout it too...so in the end they decided 2 draw lots n we got it...n now i'm feelin so bad!!! *sigh* i hope we din piss them off or anything...one of the girls in tt group's in my (new) math class n i was plannin 2 tok 2 her!!!! oh well...i tink she's nice enuff...she was nice 2 mi last time @ least...
n i hafn't toked 2 angus n steven 4 ages!!!!! juz coz we're not in the same classes anymore n i dun c them outside classes...*sigh* oh yeah, my new classes sux too...*haha* tt's y i'm tryin 2 tok 2 tt gurl n the gurl sitting behind mi in math! but they're pretty good frenz w/ each other so it'll b weird if i juz lyk, butt in n start joinin in their conversations! oh well...i'll juz c how it goes...*haha* i haf this feeling lyk wen i was back in scona where everyone juz ignores mi n do their own stuff, coz tt's how it realli is if u dun take the initiative! tough luck man...*haha* esp when they're not all that enthusiatic bout being frenz w/ u...*geez* ok! c wen i'm feelin crappy, this izz wut happens: i get all pathetic n self-pityin again!!! man when will i ever learn??? there's no such ting as...erm, free-lunch? (is tt how u say it? *haha*)
anyway! my dad's in toronto now...coz i tink he's helping out w/ my grandparents n all (i tink my grandpa has cancer or sth...i'm not realli sure) so mayb i'm miss9 him tt's y...he's lyk so spas man! he started callin himself "kam" since he came here *haha* coz his name's "kam man" so he decided since he's in a western country, he'll adopt a more western name...right....*hahahahahaha* anyway, so now my dad's kam...
[phone rings]
mi : hello?
person: hi, is kam there?
mi : huh????
person: k.a.m, can i tok 2 kam?
[mi pauses n tinks]
mi : Ohhhhh,
KAM! ok sure...
yeah,
sure i'm used 2 it...*haha*
oh yeah...hmm, i juz read mutiara's blog...been follow9 it realli closely these days! *haha* coz i realli wanna noe how she's doing over there...n she doesn't sound too happy in her last entry...it kinda (or shld i say, REALLI) reminded mi of the time wen i 1st came here...esp tt time b4 i started skool...coz i only started skool 2 mths after i came here, n i was lyk, SO. LONELY. period. nothing could make mi feel better! (mayb except jon-jon n baby!) i was stuck in the house not being able 2 go out coz there's no transport n it's freezing cold, i had no frenz, i couldn't tok 2 my frenz in s'pore coz of the time difference, i couldn't go online too much coz my uncle would scold mi 4 hoggin the phone line...i had no life man *haha* n i couldn't wait 4 skool 2 start so i could hurry up make sum frenz n live a normal life again...
den skool started n i couldn't wait 4 the holidays 2 cum! *haha* but yeah, sumtimes i juz feel lyk a loser u noe? i c how everyone else (as in pple hu went overseas 2 study too) seems 2 b adapting so well in their new skools w/ all their new frenz, they say as though making new frenz iz SUCH an easy ting 2 do...well tt's wut I tout too, b4 i came here...but am i juz so...pathetic? yeah well...i guess it's juz a phrase in my life where i haf 2 learn stuff...but i trust tt God did place mi in sucha situation 2 make mi stronger :)
n as 4 tiara, well...i dun realli noe wut 2 say 2 u even though i realli realli noe how u're feeling, coz well, i tink nothing i say will realli help...i mean, judgin frm my experience lar...but i hope u won't get discouraged by mi! *haha* i juz wanted 2 let u noe tt i realli emphatize(?) w/ u *haha* but everybody's different n my situation's different frm urs...plus, u're a much more stronger n happier person than mi so i'm sure u can do it! ^^ n i tink the best ting is juz 2 not 2 dwell on it...do sumthing u realli lyk 2 get ur mind off it!!! the ting tt always comforts mi the most though, is remembering tt God is always here w/ mi :) coz He's been through sufferings too n He noes how it feels...ok? U R
LOVED dear!!! ^^
*haha* ok lar! i realli shld go liao...hafn't blogged 4 so long but this entry's kinda long enuff...*haha* so cya!
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