rediscovering eden
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the bright and morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
whom shall i fear
whom shall i fear
i am yours
dailies
Sunday, October 21, 2007
-1:39:00 a.m.
居場所をずっと探しています
それは私いまの気持ちだ。一ヶ月に色々なことをして、自分らしくないこともして、でもどうして私は他の人をみとめられてもらいたいの?わかない。どうして私はそのままでもよくないの?やっぱり私は違うんじゃん。それはきびしい。
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Thursday, October 18, 2007
-7:44:00 a.m.
hmm i've been here for a month already! actually i think i've reached my 5th week...am i right? time goes by so fast, and sometimes i'm like, k i have a year i dont have to rush things, plus i dont have the money to go exploring and drinking and partying all the time anyways, so i'll just stay in my room and sleep or study or do homework. that way i could save more money too, since i'm on such a tight budget even though i havent even been buying anything at all :( i could go to the lounge sometimes too but everytime i go to the lounge, i'll end up working up something with someone and going out. i just dont like passing out on stuff you know, when ppl ask me to go out, i'll go >< which is stupid, but i'm like that. when i hear noises and laughter outside my room, i want to join them too and yet there's this awkwardness in me that prevents me from going. it reminds me of the monkey bar days in ij, the nervousness i felt everytime i walk down to the monkey bars to join our 2/1 gang, of what ppl are thinking of me, except over here it's a little different. i know how i am and i know i used to be super insecured and conscious of what others are thinking...but i also know that i've changed somehow. i'd like to think that i'm more confident now, but i'm not confident enough at times like this. instead of wallowing in self-pity though, i shld just get out there and mingle. but yes, i give myself excuses sometimes too. as a result, i dont do it and i feel left out when the rest of them seem to be getting closer. yet in my mind, i know that i can never get along with them as well as they get along with each other, no matter how much time i spend with them or how many drinks i have with them. i'm just different, my way of thinking is different, my behaviour is different, my culture is different. i would like to be good friends with them of coz, but some things can't be helped. and i know that this is not an excuse, it's a realization that i've come to since i came here.
sadly, i think i've forgotten how it's like to have a good friend...what did we do? what was it like to be able to be me, just me? was i ever like that though? what am i really like anyways?
and this is why i dont like blogging, it brings out all kinds of weird questions and feelings in me, and they flow out into the computer as soon as i think of them, unlike when you're writing a diary u take forever to write and by the time you're done a sentence, you forget what you were gonna say next.
but no, i'm not saying that i'm not happy here. i hope you wont misunderstand, despite the heaviness of tone in my post! on the contrary though, i think i am happy and i'm happy with meeting all these different ppl and starting anew, even though i shld get really past this stage and start forming some lasting friendships instead of floating around with everyone at surface level. what bugs me is that i dont know if i can do that, i cant seem to break the ice with anyone anymore. i wasnt able to back home in edmonton either...no matter how much i can tell somebody or how much that person tells me. i thought that this could be a step into it but no it isn't. i've had a lot of good conversations with various people actually, and they were really good. i liked talking to them and i'm glad i'm getting to know them better. i just hope i can be content and take things slowly, step by step. things will be different...i know...and i'm here for a purpose...
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